Tammy Letherer 
My ex-husband and his new wife were a picture-perfect couple. So much so that they were photographed for the cover of Crain’s Chicago Business magazine. They were featured in an article about how stepparents are either relegated to support status or simply invisible.
But his new wife wasn’t invisible. She was posed with him and our three children on the front steps of my house—sorry, now their house—as if she had lived there for more than two months, as if she had been mothering my children for years. She was being interviewed because she started a support group for other women like her.
“There was an air of relief for all of us,” she was quoted as saying about their first support meeting. “Somebody gets it!”
I’m glad that someone got her. I’m even glad that she got my husband. And she wasn’t even the woman my husband left me for. In fact, I had to wonder if she knew she was one in a line of many. My friend, also divorced, suggested that we “save a seat on the bench” for her when the revolving door began turning.
I didn’t want to be cynical. I hoped, because my ex-husband married her, that she might have a successful and long-lasting role as my kids’ stepparent. Reading the article about her enthusiastic efforts to start a supportive community made me feel that she earnestly wanted to do a good job.
Perhaps to match her enthusiastic efforts, I suggested that the three of us meet with our kids’ therapist to discuss what her duties as stepmother would entail. Would she pick them up from school? Should I call her or their father to arrange afternoon activities? What did she want the kids to call her?
After each question, she looked to my ex-husband, as if he would answer. He didn’t. It was clear the two of them hadn’t discussed any of this, which resulted in a vague, unsatisfying conversation until the therapist stepped in and suggested that my ex and I continue to coordinate all child matters between us.
As time passed, it was apparent that to our two boys, she was the new wife. They resisted anything resembling mothering from her and, truthfully, weren’t always nice to her. But to my daughter, just nine years old at the time, she was much more. They became close and my daughter genuinely enjoyed her company.
There’s just no way to predict how it will go. I quickly learned that coexisting peacefully with my ex-husband’s new wife would ultimately make life more peaceful for my kids. By controlling my own behavior, I could support their relationship.
So here are some simple rules I set for myself that helped me successfully interact with her:
Be polite.
This is another version of the golden rule and should be extended to bad drivers, telemarketers, and yes, even stepmothers.
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